NONVIOLENT COMUNICATION II

NONVIOLENT COMUNICATION II

In previous blog post, we analysed the 4 steps of the nonviolent communication process and mentioned the importance of expressing emotions clearly. Well, how do people express their emotions?

We tend to express our emotions at many points in our daily lives. Usually, these moments are situations where we feel emotions such as sadness, resentment, fear, and anger. There are more than one way to express emotions. Many people are used to express their emotions on the basis of blame, not on the basis of need.

Many people tend to avoid taking responsibility of their feelings when faced with a conflict. The most common way is to blame the other person. For example, a person who has been severely criticised by a colleague often uses phrases such as “You make me feel bad because you criticise me all the time” or “You hurt my self-confidence with your criticism” to express his/her feelings. But are these sentences a nonviolent way of expressing feelings?

What both sentences have in common is that the person uses expressions that mean “you make me feel” instead of “I feel”. This is a simple example of not taking responsibility of one’s feelings. When people do not take responsibility of their feelings, this may be perceived as an accusation by the other person and may prepare the ground for a new conflict. In above example, a need-based expression can be “I was offended when you criticised my work because I feel that you think I am not competent”. Such a statement does not include an accusation that would require the other person to make a defence, but it helps them to understand what you need and change their attitude.

After expressing your feelings, express what kind of behaviour you expect from the other person. So, how can we make a request from a person?

• Simply expressing your feelings does not always make it clear what you request. For example, if you use the phrase “It makes me sad when you point out my mistakes in front of others”, the other person can easily understand what you request. However, if you use the phrase “I feel tired because you don’t help me enough”, the other person may not understand exactly what you expect from them. It is better to make it clear what kind of help you request.

• Express what you want people to do, not what you do not want them to do. For example, instead of saying “I want you not to criticise me”, saying ” your support, increases my self-confidence” will make the other person approach your request more positively.

• Be clear in your request. Avoid vague statements and generalisations. For example, the statement “You are always mean to me” contains generalisations as well as vagueness. Instead, we can say “Can you spend some time to listen to me even when we are short of time?”.

In this way, your request will not be perceived as an aggression by the other person and a more functional approach is more likely by the other person.

Rosenberg, Marshall B., “Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life”, 2015 p. 31-109.

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